scratching the surface of a delighted mind

Vulnerability. It is good.

2011-12-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

When the Holy Ghost has taught me a truth and expanded that truth in many different areas, I don't need assurances from others. But I do thoroughly enjoy hearing those things I learned coherently spoken by people in a way I could not express myself! The following is a Ted talk by a woman whose hairstyle I just might emulate in the near future. And my road to learning what she learned started with Jillian Michaels when she told a contestant on Biggest Loser that vulnerability takes strength. Holy Ghost confirmed that as a truth, and I went on to learn what Brene Brown says.

Enjoy.

What do normal people eat?

2011-12-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I rarely feed more people than myself, and I have odd tastes, I was wondering what normal people eat. Since the vast majority of my friends are feeding more than themselves, and are a bit more normal in the eating area than myself, I would like your assistance.

What do you eat? Do your kids (if you have them) eat the same thing you do for dinner? If not, how do you accommodate them? Do you generally eat the same meals every week, or vary drastically in your menu? What are your family favorites?

Thanks.

Relating to dogs...

2011-12-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

A friend mentioned on Facebook that they just found out his daughter has hip dysplasia. He asked if anybody had experience with this, or knew anyone who did. Just how inappropriate would it be to mention that two of my mom's dogs have had it? Along with my cousins dog?

While we are speaking of three dogs:

This was a blessed occurrence.

2011-12-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

I got a request on gchat from an account I wasn't familiar with. But since it wasn't a name I thought perhaps it was somebody I was acquainted with, while not immediately recognizing the email. The individual got added, then they promptly started to chat. Here is what transpired.

6:13 PM randomslutgirl: heya

me: Um... I'm not sure we actually know each other.

6:14 PM randomslutgirl: hey whats up? 22/F here. you?

me: Yup. That pretty much confirms that we are not acquainted.

randomslutgirl: hmm. have we chatted before?

6:15 PM me: Never. I just had a request from you to chat on gmail and I added you.

randomslutgirl: oh ok. i wasnt sure. anyways.. whats up?

me: Because then I could see if you were someone I knew or not.

randomslutgirl: im like so boreddddddddd.... theres nothing to do

ohhh wait! i got a idea. have you ever watched a girl strip on a cam before?

6:16 PM me: You are not doing anything productive with your time. Learn correct grammar and punctuation if you are bored.

6:17 PM http://owl.english.purdue.edu/

No idea who that was, if it was just a bored kid or somebody about to ask for money. As soon as I sent the last message, I blocked them as they were typing. The great thing is, I was quite upset today. Being able to block somebody from gchat was quite satisfying, even though I do not know this individual at all.

Perfect Thanksgiving.

2011-11-26T10:29:00.000-08:00

I know it's blurry, that's just how excited she was about the stick.

As I was putting peanut butter on the dog bones SOMEBODY didn't have patience.

I've never done this. EVER. All I could imagine while ripping off legs and peeling off the shell was "this little guy was swimming in the ocean just a little while ago. Thank you for giving your life so I can eat you."

Coated with peanut butter!

Now coated with white chocolate. Wanted it to be a darker orange, but I don't think Ruby minded.

Her usual post, just outside the kitchen with the stick.

My food, not a great picture, but it was DELICIOUS!

(Better pictures and instructions.)

Then a walk to get her tiredish. Of course she still wanted to go in the water despite it being frigid out. You know a pup is ready to head home when she collapses with the stick instead of dropping it at your feet.

I woke up to this. So comfy, right?!

This was a good Thanksgiving.

Vacation

2011-11-22T13:47:00.000-08:00

Went home a week ago and had a blast. The best thing about any trip home? Things kiddos say.

Eliza: Do you want a baby in your tummy?
Rachel: Um... what?
E: Do you want to get married?
R: Yes.
E (very decisively) : Then we need to find you a good man.

(this one was reported to me later)
Michael: Rachel, she's nice and sometimes a lot of fun. Who do you think is more bossy, Rachel or Eliza?
Sarah: Who do you think?
M: Rachel. But mainly to Eliza.

And then there are the things we say.

S: I'm stronger than hormones!

When we are both tired and wanting to exert zero energy, S: We could lock them in the playroom while we watch tv. (After a moment of thought, and very seriously) No... they can unlock the door.

S: Is it expensive?
R: Free it is.
S: Haha!!
R: Um... I mean new.

Then while on the phone with Sarah today (not the only time. So far we are up to 14 calls back and forth, no missed calls. Longest at 28 minutes, shortest at 47 seconds. And I'm about to call her back. 15!) we were laughing uproariously at how funny we are because of the way we posted things back and forth on facebook. That lasted about 8 minutes until we were laughing so hard we couldn't think anymore.

Bad customer service. Bad.

2011-11-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

I am being quite bothered with Pinterest. How is it that they don't have a way to contact them? I've reset my password, but I still can't get on. What the heck? How are we supposed to use the site without being able to log on, or at the very least contact them when I am having difficulties? UGH!!!!

Complaint over.

And by the way, aside from this, I love the site.

ADDENDUM: I can now get on the site. Thought the service is still awful. It was resolved when I realized I had used a different email account, but they still never contacted me back when I finally found a way to email them.

Trying to be fearless.

2011-10-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

(Holy crap this thing is long! Sorry about that.)

Often I keep my plans to myself. It is much safer that way. But I feel like sharing, and I already have a blog, so may as well share here. Thing is, I want to lose more weight. I'm currently at about 36% body fat. Which doesn't please me. Granted, that is down from 43% a year ago, so moving in a good direction.

I was checking out a certain fitness website, but their exercises were all very muscle specific, while I prefer things that work the whole body. And once I find where I put a workout book I have with fabulous things, I'll start working out tonight. In the meantime, I plan to do weights three days a week, and cardio at least twice a week, if not more.

A goal that I will be reporting on is to do 200 push-ups. I can rather easily do 100, (4 sets of 15 and 1 of 10, with 10 second breaks in between,) but want to build up. I also want to be able to run, and not for less than a minute. About a month ago I was actually able to run a complete mile, (huge for me since that hasn't occurred since early to mid 90's,) but then I stopped going to the gym for various reasons. Eventually I'd like to be able to run, oh, I don't know, 10 miles? I don't really want to do a marathon, that just seems like far too much training for something I simply don't care very much about. So I'll stick with 10.

Now to get personal and share the motivation. Many years ago (when I was 6) a 13 year old boy was quite mean to me. While I repressed the memory until I was 29, I subconciously had a deep fear of men and never felt safe around them. I was wrongfully diagnosed with ADD when I was 8, when in reality what they were seeing was my reaction to being around a bunch of guys in my classroom and going into fight or flight mode. Constantly looking around to check where the nearest exit was and ensuring no male walking around was getting too close.

When I was in high school I was again wrongfully diagnosed. This time with Bi-Polar. I had all the symptoms, so it was a very understandable mistake. But instead of the cause being a chemical imbalance in my brain, the root of the problem was actually emotional baggage I was carrying around for 11 years but hadn't dealt with. The depression was simply feeling as though nobody cared about me (easy to feel after abuse). The death wish (not to be confused with suicide, even in my darkest times that lasted 3 years before diagnosis I never wanted to kill myself, worst I got was asking God to let me go crazy enough that I could kill myself and not be accountable for it) was wanting to be somewhere safe, specifically to be with God again. The hypo-mania was when I got scared, going into fight or flight mode (consistently trying to fly in my case) combined with the emotional maturity of the 6 year old I had suppressed would come out and take over until I felt safe again. Emotional maturity? I take care of a 6 year old now, they aren't mature.

As I grew even older I was of course attracted to men, but often felt as though I couldn't breath deeply enough until I was away from them. For a few years after my mission I was inactive from my church because I was simply too scared to go. Often I would get dressed, drive to the building, park, walk toward the entrance, have fear grip my heart, turn around, get home as fast as I could, put on pj's, jump in bed to snuggle with my mutt. At the same time I was reading my scriptures almost every day, watching KBYU a ton (LOVE those discussions on ancient scripture!), and consistently doing my visiting teaching. Not a testimony problem, just what I assumed was an unexplainable fear.

When I moved to California again just a few months before my 26th birthday I almost panicked and turned around to go home while on my way to the Stanford 1st ward. Out loud in my car I said "Christ, you had better come with me. We will have an adventure!" Imagining Him in the passenger seat then in the pew next to me, I gained the courage to go to church. What a blessing those Stanford wards have been! Granted, I cried every sacrament meeting for three months when I started to attend, but that was because Nnel had just died. That is another story. While I was able to attend church, I wasn't able to lose weight. In fact, I quickly gained. Went up to a size 12-14 and no matter what I did, couldn't lose it. I would watch what I ate, gain a few pounds, so I'd quite after a month. Then I'd try combining that with exercise, gain a cup size. Ugh! Hated it.

Now I understand the principle of fasting so much more. No, I don't mean that I starved myself, but that our spirit truly is capable of overriding our physical body. According to science losing weight should be simple (not effortless, merely simple to understand), calories in fewer than calories out. But if your spirit is freaking out, and feels that if you are attractive then you will be hurt again, it is fully capable of retaining fat that scientifically should be melting away. That was the negative power of my spirit.

I think I've mentioned this before, but oh well. Last spring at 29.5 I started meeting with a therapist. She helped me uncover some of my memories, which led me to take the resulting emotions to my Saviour and ask for the atonement to heal me. There were quite a few things (too many to list) that prepared me to be ready to heal. It has been such a blessing, and I have been LOVING my new sense of confidence, my lack of fear, and my bodies ability to lose weight!!!!! No protection needed anymore, so long as I follow the spirit, I don't need to be afraid of men. How wonderful is that?! At times I still get shocked when I am able to talk with a male without feeling like I'm being strangled. Best, and strangest feeling ever.

So that is why I feel like I want to get in shape. Because now my spirit won't stop me. And I am only about 5 pounds away from what I was before my mission.

Once again, that God has a plan for us that we may not understand, but can have faith enough to trust in Him. I love that we have this time on earth for our bodies and spirits to become aligned. I love that we can have a very real and personal relationship with our Saviour as we traverse this chaotic mess of a life. I love that the Holy Ghost can be our companion constantly nudging us in the right direction which we so often lose sight of. Ah, I just love everything good.

New kids, same old life.

2011-10-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have started to nanny again! This time Heavenly Father has placed me in a position to help out some great friends of mine who unfortunately got a divorce and need someone to watch their two little ones. J just turned 6 and is in kindergarten. Q is 2.5. They are sweet kids, though we are still having fun getting to know each other and boundaries.

The great thing has been this apartment building. They live in the same one I do, and it is full of families from my ward. Families with little kids the same age. Which means whenever we go play on the grassy area that is fenced off for the kiddos, there is usually somebody else there that I know, with kids the little ones know. Same with the park down the street. I love it!!!

On another note, last Saturday I got to watch my old neighbors kids while they went to a halloween dance. That meant Ruby and I were able to cuddle while the girls slept. It was one of the best spend Saturday evenings ever!!

Counsel of the Prophet.

2011-10-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

During the April Priesthood session President Monson gave a talk titled Priesthood Power. During the talk he says "Many movies and television shows portray behavior which is in direct opposition to the laws of God. Do not subject yourself to the innuendo and outright filth which are so often found there." When I brought this up with a group of friends, implying that I may not want to watch a certain show (because it tries to make things I don't agree with seem acceptable) one of my friends said "I don't like it when they" (meaning church leaders) "try and get so picky and tell us all the little things we are supposed to do or not."

Well. I disagree. Granted, it would be awesome if every individual listened to the promptings of the spirit so completely that we didn't need to be told, but that doesn't happen, heck I don't listen that closely! And I figure that anything the prophet tells me, maybe I should listen, not murmur. Don't get me wrong, this friend is amazing and in no way am I judging her for this one comment, but I am certainly judging the comment itself. After all, times change but God doesn't. The world is getting more and more wicked, and sin is becoming more and more acceptable. Why wouldn't I want counsel in order to navigate the nuances where I might otherwise be persuaded to unwittingly sin?

Sometimes the chaos of the world around us makes it difficult to hear the whisperings of the spirit. Why not embrace fully the counsel given us by inspired leaders? That is what I will attempt to do. And when I mess up, I will attempt again.

Progress

2011-09-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

I've only got Revelations left to read in the Bible, then I will have read it cover to cover! I will totally make that goal of reading all the scriptures by my birthday.

Change is good, sort of.

2011-09-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Recently I've gotten rid of some weight. This past month I've dropped 7 pounds. You'd think I'd be elated, but somehow this past week I felt wretched. Why? I couldn't figure it out. Finally after quite a bit of prayer trying to get out of the slumps the answer occurred to me. I don't like the way I look. Not the body shape, I'm very happy with that. But the fact that my clothes don't fit anymore! I had just given away about 4 pair of my favorite pants because they were two sizes too big, and only have one pair of jeans that I don't love the cut of.

So the remedy is to wear the only thing I have that fits and I like, my pencil skirts. I've got a few of them in the smaller sizes, I'm set! Granted, lately the only things I do are stay at home and write and go to the grocery store... but why should we have to look good when seen? Why not just when I'm just at home cleaning?

Now I have to go put on my pencil skirt before I simply read my scriptures.

Qualities from blessings.

2011-08-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

A few years back I wrote a list of qualities. These were things that I had been told that I am, or things that I need to become. And told by a specific person through a specific means, namely Heavenly Father through blessings.

When I moved a year ago I lost this list. Not too big a deal, but I had always wanted to find it again. Never did. But since I still have all those blessings I decided to just remake the list. It was quite gratifying to do so. When I made the first list during the summer of 2008 I read down it thinking "eh, maybe that's me a little, I wish that was me, well sorta, nope, not that one either...." Starting on my birthday that year (October 17th) I prayed that Heavenly Father would make me the person He needed me to be, the person on that list, as quickly as possible. That prayer has never left my heart, but has left my lips many times since then.

The greatest blessing of remaking the list was this thought process while I did so "yup, got that one, that one too, some of that, tons of that" and so on. Sure there is tons of room for improvement, who can't improve in some way? But all those qualities are there to some extent.

My favorite quality you ask?

Normal.

Just read an OLD email.

2011-08-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

This was to my mother about my puppy.

Nnel came in at 9:16. She was standing waiting to be invited up on the bed. But I decided to see how long it would take for her to do something.

9:17. She just lied down. One time I remember being half asleep when she came back in the room and started whining. I'm wondering if she will do that again. We'll see. This is kinda hard. It is now

9:22. She is lying on the floor looking up once in a while, then putting her head down all degected like.

9:24. Stood up and stretched. Now sitting down stairing at me. I haven't made eye contact.

9:25 Kinda grunted, just one little note, no whining. She just lied back down. I feel so evil.

9:30, she is sitting again, I'm not sure when, but she just moaned, a little longer this time. She is getting antsy.

9:31, laid down with a moan.

9:35 it was a quiet whine, not very long.

9:36 stand to stretch then sat.

9:38. Laid down and moaned a few times, only while moving.

9:40. I sniffed and she jumped up to sitting. How much longer can this go?

9:41. She stood to scratch herself then looked for a moment like she was going to jump up, moved toward the bed, but then sat down.

9:42. She stood up again and took another step toward the bed. False alarm, she lied down.

9:43. High pitch short whine.

It is 9:50, should I let this go on?

Then:

I just looked at nnel, laughing while reading your email, and said "ok" and motioned up, she looked at me with an expression of "are you serious?" It has been about forty minutes. I just tried to get her up again. I had to say ok about five times, she kept looking at me with a question seeing if I was just teasing her.

Ignore the typos. I can be bad at that. I would just like to mention that reading this, I fully remember it. Also, she ALWAYS slept on my bed. Not once did I try to train her to not jump up until I told her to. I blame the wolf in her. She would also do this at 2 in the morning after her usual feeding time while I was fast asleep, just pace the floor next to me waiting for me to wake enough to invite her up.

Update

2011-08-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

Well. The day has come. Or week might be more apropos.

My apartment is clean. Has been since Friday July 22nd. Something happened and when I got home from a wedding reception I cleaned the place, and have kept it clean since. And not like I can hear anybody nagging in my ear anxious cleaning, but simply why not pick a couple things off the floor or sofa and put them where they go?

This may not seem like much to some people, to others who know me you will know that this change in my life is on a grand scale. To me, it isn't much considering all the other changes, some of which are a bit too personal to share on here. (What? I have my limits? Who knew?!)

Some of the smaller changes in the past year which are fully acceptable to share would be:
I no longer wish to color my hair. (Colors that look natural, sometimes, but no rainbow colors.)
I don't feel like a fat slob.
I'm not terrified of half the population.
I'm not ashamed of my past choices.
I don't feel guilty for Nnel's death.
I feel up to meeting challenges.
I don't feel the need to live vicariously through fiction.
I have confidence in expressing myself.
I understand Heavenly Fathers plan for me SO MUCH more than ever before. And I'm excited for it.

Plus, I love the way I decorate, and no, that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I'm just sitting in my kitchen looking at my cute chairs, cute dishes, cute towels and potholders (thanks mom!), and pink frames, and more. I love cute things.

The worst part

2011-07-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

The worst part of any trip to california is saying goodbye to a certain little girl. Maybe it will get easier one day, but I kind of doubt it. I still feel as though my heart is being ripped out as I see her drive away.

She wanted to go to the beach. How could I say no?

2011-07-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

She preferred destruction.

Pizza My Heart, fantastic lunch.

Perfect end to the day!

White hair.

2011-06-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have two white hairs. Not counting the white eyelash or the one white eyebrow hair. I'm terribly thrilled about this. Though I would very much like to have more. My mother informed me that I have a great, possibly another great, grandmother who was all white by 40. If I am very very lucky her genes may have survived and been passed down to me and I may be all white in ten years. I even had a dream that I had tons of white hairs. In the dream I contemplated dying it until it was more fully white then letting it grow out. Then when I woke I was sorely disappointed. Oh well.

On another note, I heard some good news regarding the employment situation of a certain friends life. It pleases me deeply that after being told about this, I haven't been able to stop feeling quite elated for her. I do believe one of life's greatest pleasures is the ability to feel excitement for others. If we only felt happiness for the good things that happened in our own lives, well, that would simply be deplorable.

New motivation

2011-06-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

It used to be I'd go to the gym with self loathing as my motivation. Now that is gone. My health has never been in danger due to weight, I haven't ever become that heavy. So health isn't a motivator. I was having problems because I still want to lose weight, but couldn't find a reason to. Talking with a friend who works at the gym I go to, he made it quite clear. He told me that when he sees me there working out, I'm smiling and having fun. Which means going to the gym isn't something I dread doing anymore, it has become something I enjoy and get to do. So much for needing a motivator!

Old: have to go to gym because I hate my body and need to change it.
New: get to go to the gym because it is fun and I enjoy using this body which I love.

Yeah, keeping the new perspective.

Raddled mind

2011-05-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

So... I'm kind of dealing with some big issues right now. Realized last night that I'm also in an avoidance pattern. I had music or tv going at all times in order to not have to deal with any promptings the spirit might have for me. This is bad. Not really the way I want to deal with the big problems of life.

Any suggestions on how to face challenges?

Amazing quotes

2011-05-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

While watching shows there are sometimes lines that just stick with you. Poignancy and truth strike you through the heart and take up residence. Watching a show tonight I heard such a line. And here it is.

Girl to boy "I am drawn to you like gravity." How can that not be amazing?

Ah love.

Gratitude

2011-04-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

One of the things I am most grateful for in this life would be that I get to eat my cooking every day. What a huge blessing!!!

For a midnight snack I had the best french toast I have ever had in my life, (that I can remember, of course).

The only way I will exercise.

2011-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Not really a fan of exercise here. I LOVE walking 4 or more miles, if there is a dog about. And granted, I do enjoy bicycling, but the weather is just barely good for it. And the thing is, I would really love to be able to run. I haven't been able to for years, mostly because it hurt. But after finding a marvelous product that prevents pain from occurring this past fall, I get to try running!

Now why do I want to be a runner even though I despise it? Um, hello? I love big dogs and they deserve running partners since I can't guarantee that I will always live near off leash trails. Yes. I want to run to help my future dogs which I don't even have.

Point is, for now I don't have the dogs. Sure, I steal my neighbors dog when they leave her outside, but still not my own. But best to prepare! So I go to the gym and run/walk on the treadmill (what, you think a few months is enough to get me to run consistently? Two things, one, you don't realize just how out of shape I am, two you overestimate my diligence). Running at the gym is boring. SOO BORING!!! Which of course means I download shows onto my pretty little nano and watch them on the screen on the treadmill. It's genius. Except that today it didn't work. WHY?!?!?! I need to know what happens on White Collar!

It was terrible. Instead of 30 minutes of a show that I could finish next time I head to the gym, I watched a show that was currently on tv, commercials and all. It was a good show though, which was a bit of a problem. I couldn't just leave halfway through. I had to see it to the end. WHO KILLED THE SOCIAL WORKER?!?! Now I know.

Lesson learned tonight? Don't do heroin.

Ruby in the river while on the trail. It had been a beautiful day so her owners had her outside. Their car was gone though, so I knew nobody was home. So I took her for a 4 mile walk on the trail. Don't worry, I texted her owner. As a matter of fact, when owner came home and saw that Rubes was missing, she worried for a second, then thought "I should check my phone. I bet Rachel has her." Ah, they know me so well!!

I need to start measuring.

2011-03-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

When experimenting with food, I rarely measure anything. Turns out that is a bad plan, since I sometimes end up LOVING what I cooked, but don't really know how to recreate it. Oh well. Exactness is boring, right? I did two things tonight which could be done separately.

Pasta with a cream sauce. Except I can't do milk. So normal cream is out. Instead I used coconut milk. (Turns out it is a lot healthier too!) First I sauteed one clove of garlic and about a quarter of an onion in coconut oil then threw them in about a quarter to half cup of the coconut milk. Put it on a medium heat just to spread flavor around. Sifted in about a tablespoon of ground mustard seed just because I always want to put it in everything! While this was all going on I had some whole grain fine spaghetti cooking on the back burner. They both finished and I combined them! At least, I put some of the sauce on the noodles, I only used about half of it, the other half is in my fridge now.

Chicken breast with a honey glaze. This was COMPLETE experiment. I wasn't sure if I would ruin it, but I figured the pasta would be enough if I did. I've been scared of cooking chicken for a long time. Why? Because it isn't familiar. I even bought some chicken a while ago hoping to find a recipe. It sat in my fridge then I had to throw it out. But the other day I decided to go for it and purchase some frozen chicken, that way I wouldn't have to do anything before I was mentally prepared. Well, I found a recipe on Williams-Sonoma.com for a honey glazed salmon. I loved the glaze, but didn't really want the salmon. So I decided to try it with the chicken that was sitting frozen in my freezer. I did everything as it said (except I used coconut oil instead of the vegetable oil it suggested) and it was amazing! Didn't burn anything, though it did form a wonderful glaze. SO yummy. Also, I didn't actually measure anything for the glaze since it asked for half a cup of honey. I wasn't making 6 salmon, but one chicken, so I guestimated. I used more like an eighth of a cup with just a squirt of balsamic and an eighth of a teaspoon of vegetable oil. It turned out great.

I will be trying this again. Probably be adding more things to the coconut sauce. Because, well, why not?!

Feelings

2011-03-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

A while back (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) I realized that I hadn't been allowing myself to feel any negative emotions since I was a kid. That translated to not being able to really feel the good either. Since then I have been trying to allow myself to not hide from what I feel. It's been hard. Breaking over twenty years of habit is not an easy task.

For the first couple months it actually worked pretty well. Then again, nothing major had happened. Now however, I'm struggling to achieve something and getting pretty frustrated as I keep hitting brick walls. I hadn't recognized that I was hiding my emotions again until last night. While thinking about it and praying for help I noticed that I was rather apathetic about it. Not really wanting the change, but knowing I should want it. No deep desire going on.

Then today watching Biggest Loser I've cried a couple times because the contestants and the trainers are so inspiring to me. Yet it was still an outward thing. Happy and hopeful for them, but it didn't translate to a passion or drive for my own plans.

Funny though, often we compartmentalize our experiences, but they are not separate. They all work together to shape our lives. If I want to start having the habits and characteristics I'm working for, I'll have to figure out how to connect with my emotions again instead of burying them so deep I'm unaware of even having them. I mean really, even the Vulcans acknowledge they have deep feelings!

midnight(ish) snack

2011-03-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

Had the munchies, as I often do. But since I don't have snack food in my home, I didn't know what to do. BUT of course I have guittard chocolate, because it is a necessity at all times in my kitchen. Thought about chocolate with rice krispies, but that simply did not sound fulfilling enough. Then I thought about the banana, and a new favorite snack emerged. Melted the chocolate in a medium bowl, then added the rice krispies and half a cut up banana. Mix it up, and eat. Scrumptious. And I can pretend it had some (albeit minuscule) nutrition due to the fruit. Love it, so I had to share in order to not forget.

birthday goal

2011-03-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

I thought about doing a 30 before 30 like a friend did, but I just can't think of 30 goals. There are a couple though. The one that I will be sharing here is that I want to read all the standard works. Birthday is in October. We'll see how I do!

Here's the blank bookmarks. I've just started the Book of Mormon and the New Testament (I've just barely finished the Old Testament and didn't want to start with it again until I'd read the others).

Constantly crushing on the bad guys.

2011-03-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

We all know I do. If not the blatant bad guy, then at least the man with major issues. Snape, Sylar, Dr. Horrible, Howl, Folken, the list goes on and on. Anyway. The point is, I was discussing this with some friends.

Through trying to defend my love of bad guys in fiction I said that often they are the ones who get more character development. We see more of their good qualities, and their bad. We often see how they became the way they are (at least in well done fiction).

The good guys don't always have as much shown, it is rather assumed that unless something tragic occurs in life we will turn out well. But obviously this isn't true. There is many a person who has had tragedy in their life, but have turned out well. Why a person chooses to act virtuously can be just as fascinating as why others choose poorly.

Besides, it is the humanity of a person we fall in love with, not just their perfection. This is also why I don't really fear that I will fall for a bad boy in real life. Because the good guys have just as much character even though it doesn't always translate to their fictional counterparts (once again, that is what good fiction does).

Adult

2011-03-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

What does it even mean to be an adult? I used to think that it meant at a certain age I'd be sure of myself. Know how to handle new situations. Apparently that isn't the case. I have no clue what I'm doing. Sure I'm able to do some things better than I used to, my apartment is normally clean now, I actually attend school....

But still. I'm a bit scared of my future. While the desire is there for my future career, it's kind of terrifying to think that I will one day be a responsible contributing member of society. After all, I've never had a "real" job. I've worked retail (which I've LOVED! Strangers are simply amazing and wonderful) and I've worked as a nanny (which was the best experience of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything). Those aren't careers though.

And why am I freaking out about this now? No idea except, well, I do like to be prepared, freak out at the very beginning of my endeavors so I can have more confidence when I should be freaking out, logical way to be illogical. Other option is that now all my service opportunities aren't just ways to have fun and help people, but are more focused on getting me into a MSW program which is at least four years away from now. Wait a minute, I have to do certain things now to get the outcome I want in a few years? That is a little too scary. I think I'm going to just ignore my future. It can stay four years away forever. I'll just find some kid who needs help reading to calm me down.

My little goose.

2011-02-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

E is coming today. This causes great excitement for me. Not sure how I'll do in my math midterm since I'll be too excited to focus. Oh well. It has been too long since I've been able to hold her in my arms.

what I have to look forward to.

About the neighbors...

2011-02-20T17:10:00.000-08:00

I kind of love them. They are amazing. We will call them EB and H. EB is the older sister and she works at a hospital. H is the younger brother and he was the first one to come out here to go to school only to realize he hated his chosen field, so he's not sure what he wants to do.

They are amazing (repetitive, I know. Worth the reiteration). They have two cats, and if you know me you know I don't super love felines, but these two have wiggled a way into my heart. Probably because they don't demand attention, and don't run when I try to pet them. Both good qualities in my opinion. They are both super smart (back to the humans). EB is really sweet, and even when we have differing opinions is kind about voicing hers, as in doesn't make me feel wrong for not agreeing without simply giving in herself. H does an amazing eye roll, trust me, you are missing out not having witnessed this. Sometimes I say things on purpose just to get that reaction I love it so much. The only flaw I can find in him is that occasionally I feel stupid in comparison. Not from anything he says or does to make me feel that way, but simply because he'll say something and I'll realize how naive what I had previously believed truly was. And when I say flaw, I mean not a flaw at all, I like that quality in friends. If everyone I was willing to associate with already believed things the way I do, it would be super hard to grow. This is a super quick glimpse at them, but trust me, they are beyond wonderful and I am so incredibly lucky to have met them.

Conclusion: I don't want them to ever move. I say no.

Church

2011-02-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

Today I am meeting my neighbors downstairs to go to church together, it's a long walk and we like company. (By long I mean it is across the street. Hurrah for Utah.) I get ready, head down, and when he opens the door in normal clothes I get confused, till he points out church starts in an hour. Really? He's the one who wants to get there early, I don't see what the big deal is.

Plus, it is snowing. How do umbrellas work in the snow? It doesn't come straight down. It swirls. So do we use an umbrella? Do we just wear a coat? Do we make a mad dash across the road and into safety while becoming wet on the journey? Is there some sort of magic spray we could use over our faces so the makeup doesn't get ruined and we can enjoy the snow falling on our lashes? Answers please.

Friends for breakfast

2011-02-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

Recently I've started the habit of having general authorities over for breakfast. They make great conversation and also cause cleanup and doing dishes a delight. I highly recommend having them in your home as well.

I've got em on iTunes, but you can find the most recent general conference here.

Also, we love having eggs together.

Lesson from Pres. Eyring.

2011-02-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Pres. Eyring's talk from General Conference. He mentions a lesson he learned from Pres. Kimball, which was:

We need not worry about knowing the right thing to say or do when we get there. The love of God and the Holy Spirit may be enough. When I was a young man I feared that I would not know what to do or to say to people in great need.

Once I was at the hospital bedside of my father as he seemed near death. I heard a commotion among the nurses in the hallway. Suddenly, President Spencer W. Kimball walked into the room and sat in a chair on the opposite side of the bed from me. I thought to myself, “Now here is my chance to watch and listen to a master at going to those in pain and suffering.”

President Kimball said a few words of greeting, asked my father if he had received a priesthood blessing, and then, when Dad said that he had, the prophet sat back in his chair.

I waited for a demonstration of the comforting skills I felt I lacked and so much needed. After perhaps five minutes of watching the two of them simply smiling silently at each other, I saw President Kimball rise and say, “Henry, I think I’ll go before we tire you.”

I thought I had missed the lesson, but it came later. In a quiet moment with Dad after he recovered enough to go home, our conversation turned to the visit by President Kimball. Dad said quietly, “Of all the visits I had, that visit I had from him lifted my spirits the most.”

President Kimball didn’t speak many words of comfort, at least that I could hear, but he went with the Spirit of the Lord as his companion to give the comfort. I realize now that he was demonstrating the lesson President Monson taught: “How does one magnify a calling? Simply by performing the service that pertains to it.”

Hearing that touched me. I've been wondering lately how to be a good friend to some who are floundering with various troubles. Turns out, I don't need to have the right words, the planned actions. Simply need to strive daily to have the Spirit as my partner, then any interaction we have can hopefully be another way for them to feel God's love. And for my testimony to be strengthened as well.

Homesick

2011-02-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been truly and genuinely homesick? Aching and just want to avoid reality and pretend like you are home? That's what I've been feeling lately. Only thing is, it ain't for Los Altos. In fact, I don't know what it is for. All I know is there is a hole in my heart aching to be filled with something. At the same time I feel as though Heavenly Father will take care of it at some point. His timing, not mine. Thus not too worried about it.

In the interim, I've decided to keep my place clean in hopes that it will help. How will a clean home help? I haven't the foggiest. But it feels like a logical move. And logic is always the way to go.

p90x anyone?

2011-02-03T08:15:00.001-08:00

I've borrowed the p90x videos from a friend. Going to see what I think, then possibly get them for myself. Anyone who reads this tried it? Any thoughts?

Photos finally developed, and they made me cry!

2011-01-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

Facebook fun.

2011-01-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Came across this on Facebook as I was looking for something. I love my sister and me.

Rachel Packard
My sister just denied my call, then gasped in horror that she did so.

November 25, 2010 at 5:03pm · · · Comment

Laura Gilchrist, Debbie Anderson Olsen and Sarah Earl like this.
- Rachel Packard Can I "like" that you like it?
  November 25, 2010 at 5:04pm ·
- Sarah Earl I "like" that you like my liking!
  November 25, 2010 at 5:04pm · · 1 person
- Rachel Packard And again!! like like like!!!
  November 25, 2010 at 5:05pm ·
- Sarah Earl Oh yeah, I like your like of my like of your liking! :)
  November 25, 2010 at 5:06pm · · 1 person
- Rachel Packard Um, I think you missed one. More accurately it would be "Oh yeah, I like your like of my like of your liking, my like of your status! :)"
  November 25, 2010 at 5:11pm ·
- Sarah Earl Your right!
  November 25, 2010 at 5:11pm ·
- Rachel Packard I usually am.
  November 25, 2010 at 5:12pm · · 1 person
- Sarah Earl Hahaha
  November 25, 2010 at 5:13pm ·
- Gina Bookman You are a bunch of funny girls!!! :)
  November 25, 2010 at 8:48pm ·
- Sarah Earl What you don't know is we were sitting next to eachother:)
  November 25, 2010 at 9:41pm ·

Four and a half weeks!!!

2011-01-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

Until my little goose comes to see me. I don't think I will be able to contain my excitement. I mean, I REALLY don't think I will be able to!!!

That is what I am also doing.

Quote of the day.

2011-01-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

One can't help thinking, Daddy, what a colourless life a man is forced to lead, when one reflects that chiffon and Venetian point and hand embroidery and Irish crochet are to him mere empty words. Whereas a woman—whether she is interested in babies or microbes or husbands or poetry or servants or parallelograms or gardens or Plato or bridge—is fundamentally and always interested in clothes.

From Daddy-Long-Legs by Jean Webster. I read it last night, and LOVED it (as in, loved the whole thing, not just this line). But this line in particular I loved since I have found only one or two cases where it wasn't true.

Evidence of a surreal day ahead.

2011-01-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

Mom: Ok. Rise and shine the cougars are out...
Me:What? WHAT?!!! Where did that come from?
Mom: On their way to fame and glory...
Me:Hahaha!
Mom: Actually the words are a little different. Just looked them up. Rise and shout the cougars are out Along the trail to fame and glory..
Me: Haha! When did you ever learn it anyway?
Mom: O Rise, all loyal Cougars and hurl your challenge to the foe. You will fight, day or night, rain or snow. Loyal, Strong, and True Wear the White and Blue. While we sing, get set to spring. Come on Cougars, it's up to you! CHORUS: O Rise and Shout, the Cougars are out Along the trail to fame and glory. Rise and shout, our cheers will ring out, As you unfold your vict'ry story. On you go to vanquish the foe For Alma Mater's sons and daughters. As we join in song, in praise of you, our faith is strong. We'll raise our colors high in the blue, And cheer the Cougars of BYU. CHANT: "Ra, ra, ra, ra, ra (3x) GO COUGARS!"
Me: What are you on?
Mom: Who knows? Or better said, Who DOESN'T know the BYU fight song?!
Me: Um, normal people who didn't go to BYU.
Mom: Sorry but it is only normal people who DO go to BYU.
Me: That explains us.

Just a quick note, out of five kids, only one brother went to BYU, and I'm not sure quite how long he was there before moving home and going to a different school. Mom went to UC Riverside, and I've never seen her watch college sports, ever. We usually only watch the superbowl at home, if we remember that it is on. And I have NEVER heard her get excited for anything BYU in any way shape or form. Either momma has a screw loose, or somebody else hijacked her phone.

Men Vs. Women

2011-01-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

And why it shouldn't be a competition between the two genders, but an understanding of why they are different, yet equal and the differences necessary. This is a talk that I simply love. Found the link on a friends Facebook page and as I read, most of the time was saying "that's what I've always thought" but he has information backing what I've always thought! (Love it when that happens.) So go to the site, and read the article, and love.
http://www.psy.fsu.edu/~baumeistertice/goodaboutmen.htm

Moods

2011-01-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

As you likely know, I've got bipolar. Mine is not a particularly mild case, though it appears that way to many. In reality I was somehow given the ability to control my swings more than the average sufferer. But sometimes swings still sneak up on me. Oh well.

Today is one such mood. All the signs were there. I had been going to bed quite too late. Last night I was hoping to be in bed by 1am (still super late for me, but better than the preceding nights). This did not occur. Sure, I was in bed, but I was certainly not attempting to sleep. I was browsing the internet, looking for who knows what. But I felt like I was searching for something. This morning when I awoke in time to get ready and go to church, I had that feeling that is all too familiar. That little "I don't want to be productive, I don't want to emerge from this bed." I didn't. (At least until 2:30 in the afternoon.)

Once I finally awoke I was thinking about why I do this. Why I allow myself to regress and succumb to little bouts of depression. I flirted with wondering how on earth I can be productive as a human being while having this flaw. Also contemplated, only for a moment, going back on medication (only to remember that I actually fell into these moods far more often while medicated than when not. I used drugs as a crutch and never did anything myself about it, whereas now I am almost constantly taking care of problems before they arise).

Then I moved on to a very focused thought. Why did I stay up so late searching for some unknown on the internet, and what was that unknown? I realized I was hoping for some website to magically tell me what my future holds. Right, because that site exists. Sure there are things that promise "if you do abc, then you will get these wonderful results!" But for ever individual? And how would those things play out in my own personal life with my unique set of circumstances? After chuckling at myself for my wishful and delusional search, I remembered that there is something I have that tells me my future.

Patriarchal blessing. Plus all other blessings which I have notes on. Personal revelation which I have LOTS of records of. In a broader sense general conference and the prophets words. With that thought in mind, I am going to go read some blessings and get ready for the day.

Bob Harper

2011-01-12T10:04:00.000-08:00

I'm watching this weeks Biggest Loser while I FINALLY unpack from my trip home. As I'm watching it, Bob is excited for one of the contestants going 3.0 on the treadmill. Really? Three miles an hour? That is why I love Bob and Jillian. They know it is a growth process, and don't expect more than what the contestants are able to do. Of course, they push them to do more than what they *think* they can do, but that is another story.

I love it because it gives me permission to be excited about my little achievements, even though there are women at the gym running the entire time and I have to take breaks and walk occasionally. But lets face it, since Nnel died, I haven't done much, so even being on the treadmill at all for a full hour is an accomplishment!

Conversation with my niece

2011-01-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

"Yes Rachel! Yes Rachel! I loooove you Rachel! Yes Rachel! Yes Rachel! I'm your goose. A goose is a duck. Yes Rachel! Yes Rachel! I'm talking on the broken phone. Bye bye Rachel! Beautiful Rachel! Yes Rachel Yes Rachel! Bye lovely Rachel princess! Bye bye lovely Rachel heart!"

Then a repeat. Almost five minutes of that. She was running around talking on a toy phone while my sister had me on speaker phone.

Merry Christmas, happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy birthday!

Funny line

2011-01-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

"When a student is so engrossed in her textbook that she forgets to eat lunch..." Really? Engrossed in a textbook? I do hope that day comes, but it certainly isn't here while I take biology solely because I have to. Maybe once I'm taking psychology and social work related courses, but not now.

Perhaps they are trying to enter our subconscious. Just put that in there thinking we'd gloss over it and then start thinking we are engrossed with this book.

Knives

2011-01-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

I like cutting things. A lot. Meat, vegetables, bread, they all need to be cut once in a while. So I'm slowly collecting Wusthof knives. I kind of love them. For Christmas my mommy got me these two:

Aren't they so pretty? Considering all I've been working with for the past 6 months is a bread knife and some steak knives... well, they are fabulous!!

Confession

2010-12-25T23:17:00.001-08:00

I don't like visiting family because I don't get emails and pictures daily from them.

Another quote

2010-12-20T00:38:00.000-08:00

Kind of love this one as well. "Just because you can't understand it doesn't mean it isn't true." Love those Brits. They've got the best quotes.

Quote of the day.

2010-12-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

Don't take my silence for confusion. I was just trying to kill you with my mind.

Sam Axe. Burn Notice.

Papa Johns.

2010-12-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

Usually don't go there. Sure it's super yummy hawaiian bbq, but it is also super unhealthy. But I may frequent the location more anyway. The guy there has tons of tattoos, and gauged ears. Not allowed to wear the gauges at work, but I can tell they are about 3/4 of an inch. Maybe a little bit bigger.

Don't see that often in Provo. I've rather missed it.

Gambling

2010-12-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

A couple friends made a trip to Nevada recently to gamble. Had I been with them I would have told them they are being stupid, but I wasn't with them. It wasn't heavy gambling, they only do this every couple of years, but still, it makes me sad. Why choose to do something that we have been taught from infancy is wrong? Then I started to wonder what we were taught about it, I couldn't remember any specific teachings so I looked it up. Okay, so I only read one talk, but it's by Pres. Hinckley, I figure it's credible. The article in it's entirety can be found by clicking here.

And now my soapbox thoughts.
We have been taught from a young age that smoking and drinking are bad, so we don't! But gambling? Sure it's wrong, but what's a couple coins in a slot machine? Yeah. That's like saying sure drinking's bad, but one beer won't get me drunk. But you see, just with gambling, it isn't the drunkenness that the Prophets have warned us against, it is even a sip. Which is how gambling should be approached as well. It isn't merely addictive gaming habits, its even one nickel in the slot.

Some quotes from the aforementioned talk:
"The story is told that one Sunday Calvin Coolidge, onetime president of the United States and a man noted for few words, returned from church. His wife asked him what the preacher spoke about. He replied, “Sin.” “What did he say?” she asked. “He was against it,” was his reply.
I think I could answer the question concerning gambling just that briefly. We are against it."

"One of our young men recently said, “Pay five bucks to see a movie; pay five bucks to play poker—it is the same idea.”

It is not the same idea. In one case you get something for which you pay; in the other case, only one picks up the winnings and the others are left empty-handed."

"President Spencer W. Kimball said: “From the beginning we have been advised against gambling of every sort. The deterioration and damage comes to the person, whether he wins or loses, to get something for nothing, something without effort, something without paying the full price” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1975, 6; or Ensign, May 1975, 6)."

And lastly for the men of the church: "The priesthood which you hold as young men carries with it the privilege of the ministering of angels. That companionship, I submit, is incompatible with indulgence in games of chance."

Lastly I just want to say that I know I have my own faults. And plenty of them. To judge another person for their faults is wrong, but to let a friend go ahead and do wrong because we aren't good enough to help them yet is also wrong. If we waited to be perfect to help others, or point out something we had learned, then nobody would be giving or receiving help.

Help me!!

2010-12-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

I used to be able to wake up in the morning and have energy. Be excited for the day. Now when I wake up all I can get excited for is planning my afternoon nap. I'm fully awake, getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night (and no, I'm not oversleeping, don't even try that one). So what's the deal? It might be that I'm in Utah and it is cold outside, it could be that I'm simply getting older.

How do I get energized in the mornings again? What are some tips you have for getting started in the morning instead of lounging around for an hour or two (or three) thinking "hm, maybe I should eat breakfast sometime" and looking on facebook for the tenth time?!

I'm tired of being so tired. If only I could take my afternoon energy and transfer it to the morning. That would be nice.

Just to break the ice...

2010-11-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

It has been too long. And since I am NOT a believer in easing into things, here is what I've looked at recently and thought I should share with the world.

first two via

Those two I love just the way they are. Beautiful.

via

This is almost exactly what I've wanted for about 8 years. When my brother and his now wife were looking through my uncles wedding ring books (he can make jewelry. Crazy hobby, but helpful) I helped by looking at the right hand rings and suggesting the most ludicrous things. But then I happened on one that was similar to this, but white gold. And it would have a real diamond in it, not the fake thing. In any case, I was super excited to see the design around anyway. Oh, and the significance is that it looks like ram's horns, and since my name means sheep, well, I kind of loved it and thought it rather befitting.

via

This I love, but might be a bit too unusual for me.

via

Gorgeous, but borders on too delicate.

Obviously, I've been looking at wedding rings.

Luggage

2010-10-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I got a notice in my luggage. It was inspected. Strangers went through my things to make sure I am not a terrorist. And what do I think about this? I'm deeply saddened I didn't have anything exciting for them to look at. Only school books and some clothes. That is dull. Now that I know there is a chance people will be looking through my things, I will start putting notes in my luggage. "Hello! Welcome to my suitcase!" What inspector wouldn't want to find that? "Thanks for doing your job. Unless you aren't a luggage inspector, in which case I kindly ask you to put my luggage back where you found it you thieving jerk." I mean really, it must be dull looking through things. Glad I don't have that job.

Biggest Loser

2010-10-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

It has started again. I love it. And I have the biggest crush on Bob Harper. He is adorable. And he has sleeves. What's not to love?

Have I mentioned recently

2010-09-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

That I love how Heavenly Father works in my life? I love that He has lined everything up for me. That He has worked with me until it is easy for me to understand His instructions. That if He asks me to do something, we both know I'll do it. That even when I mess up, He is constantly there when I look around trying to figure out how to get back on track. That He is willing to acknowledge change and treat me as a new person everyday, He doesn't judge based on behavior of years past. That I can trust what He tells me, both because I know He'll keep His word, and because I can trust the difference between the Holy Ghost and my own thoughts.

I love my Heavenly Father. I love that He sent His son, and I love Jesus Christ for giving His life so that I can repent and return to live with them. I love that the Holy Ghost is my constant companion and can help me feel the love of my Heavenly Father, and the redeeming power of Christ, and give me guidance and instruction as needed.

Loving life

2010-08-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

I love living in Utah. It is still a bit surreal, but I absolutely adore my ward, classmates, teachers, still having my own place, cafe rio being nearby, mission friends close at hand, Michelle, everything!!!

It is so great.

Cookies. AMAZING cookies.

2010-08-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've heard many to claim the perfect chocolate chip cookie. I trust my cousin Bob. Here is the recipe he used. He got it from elsewhere, but I love how he shows every step. So that's the site I will reference. Often when I want to cook something scrumptious I go to his site first.

Make the recipe. They are delicious!! I'm staying at my friends house until I get a little unpacked, and the smell woke up my friends mom. She came out and tried one. She is now in agreement that they are fabulous.

Utah? What?!

2010-08-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

The plan was to come to start school full time in California September 20. The plan was to visit Utah and all my friends and family arriving July 30 leaving August 23. The plan went out the window!

The first day I was here, Saturday July 31st, I was talking with my friend Michelle and she suggested that if I'm going to school full time I should move here and go to school at UVU. The idea didn't jump out at me, but it did sound fun. So I prayed about it, felt as though I needed the temple. Went to the temple, felt like I needed a blessing. After fasting for clarity I got the blessing from a cousin who lives here. Was essentially told that if there is something specific I was supposed to do, I would be told. Otherwise, pray and make a choice and it'll work out. Wasn't told, so I made a choice. Why did I choose Utah? I feel a little nuts.

Everything fell into place. I had been here for less than a week and I had signed the lease for my apartment (pictures will be up once I fully move in), registered for classes, and rented the moving truck. My mother is a saint. She figured I wouldn't have enough time to pack once I got home, so she packed everything for me!

Now it is the weekend that would have been my last here in Utah. And I've been back home, packed up, and returned (with bro-in-law Nathan who drove the whole way here. Thanks Nathan!!). I'll be going to orientation the day I would have been driving home. What a strange course my life is taking.

Calories

2010-07-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

I've got the body bugg. Kind of love it. One thing I have learned with it is this: I burn more calories by sleeping than by reading. Does this mean if I have an afternoon free, and want to be healthy, I should take a nap instead of read a book? Sure, there are various sorts of health, and mental health would dictate book reading instead.... But I'm just sayin', nap for weight loss!!!

Sometimes I feel quite proud...

2010-07-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

That I am LDS, and especially that I was a missionary. (Of course, I kind of always feel great joy because of those two things along with others, but I just mean sometimes I feel it more acutely.) And this post by my friends serving a mission in Albania does the trick for me. If you missed that, CLICK HERE!!!

lessons from the Pres.

2010-06-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

Talking with President Hunter. We talked of how it is good wonder and
ask about the mysteries of God. That it is by our seeking and our
knocking that we will find and have them revealed and opened to us.

He mentioned a method he uses when learning things and isn't sure of
accuracy. He says he has a three drawer filing cabinet. In the top
drawer are all the things he knows to be true and get filed away never
to be questioned. In the bottom drawer are things he knows to be not
true. Also to go away and not trifle with. In the middle drawer are
the things which he doesn't know about, the things which may or may
not be true. And these he doesn't worry about. As he learns more,
has more life experience, he is able to get some of those papers
sorted into top drawer or bottom drawer without focusing on them and
worrying that he doesn't know the details. I like it.

Change is in the air...

2010-06-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

If I want to BE something different, I must DO something different.

Love

2010-06-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today we spent the day at the beach house to celebrate Fathers day. At one point I was sitting at the game table with some siblings and an in-law. My 5 year old nephew came up to me and I grabbed him and whispered into his ear "I love you" and he whispered back "I love you too [pause] and I love your curly hair" (I'd curled my hair today). We all started laughing and I squeezed him for a bit.

Then I called out to my 4 year old niece who was playing with some toy nearby "I love you E!" and she said (all calm and nonchalant) "yeah, you love me." Another round of laughter.

Those two are just so great. I can't wait till the others come out for fun!

This morning

2010-06-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my nephew. He asked if he and his mother could come over to my place to "bug you and wake you up. Wait, are you asleep right now?" Of course I told him yes. Now I am waiting for them to arrive. And I will be in bed so he can properly wake me up.

Time out

2010-06-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

I just witnessed my sister putting her son in time out. As she said to him "sit on your bed for five minutes" I thought to myself, FIVE minutes?! I can't wait till my little one get's a full five minutes, that sounds exciting! Oh my.

Birthday?

2010-05-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

Last night, during her prayer I was asking her what else she wanted to pray for. She started listing her friends and family and her birthday party! It's only a year away, after all. Guess her parents need to start planning now.

Jillian is genius!

2010-05-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

It takes strength to show vulnerability. Only strong people can accept when they're hurting. Your emotions exist for a reason.
Your feelings exist for a reason. They tell you when things are out of balance, when you're going in the wrong direction. They're a compass. They are meant to be felt and expressed and moved through so that you can grow.

Reason for a landline.

2010-05-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

My phones. I've mentioned them, but aren't they so cute?!

(Correct answer is a resounding YES!!!)

Books anyone?

2010-04-26T08:38:00.000-07:00

A strange phenomenon has occurred. My books have doubled in quantity. And I mean it, I didn't just find one or two more, I mean doubled. Recently I had my books on two bookcases. Now they FILL three (the third which was the same kind had been used for shoes). And there are still more books finding their way here. I might try to rid myself of some of them, but I haven't read more than half of them, and they're classics! Must be read before I pass them on.

Good thing I now live by myself. No roommates to want to chat with. I can just read all the time again!

Train

2010-04-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

There might be a train nearby, not right next door, but close enough to make my apartment rattle a little bit. If I'm paying attention. Have I ever mentioned that I love earthquakes? Not the kind like the catastrophes going on in the world, but the little "did you feel that?" "no, what are you talking about?" kind of earthquakes. (And I'm not simply making things up. I've looked it up and they have occurred, they're simply 3 or 4 pointers. Hardly worth the time to look up.) And that is exactly what the train going by does. Gives me a little 3 pointer a couple times a day. Woohoo for good location!!!

Really? This is what I do with my time?

2010-04-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

We have been awake for two hours now. E helped me put away a few things in the kitchen, she cleaned up her toys from yesterday, we read a few books, and now she is quietly playing on the sofa with magnet books. Ok, not so quiet, but not requiring my constant attention.

With these few minutes of freedom, do I take care of some neglected dishes? Put away things she can't help with? Clean up the bedroom and get it ready for my desk to be moved in? No. I get online to catch up on some blog reading that had been neglected due to no internets. Yes. That is the most productive course of action.

Tomorrow cannot come too soon

2010-04-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

Two things happen tomorrow. 1- I get the internets again!!! 2- I get a land line. So archaic, I know. But I have wretched reception at my place, and I need to be contactable. Happiness about #1, obvious. Happiness about #2 may not be so obvious to others. But it is terribly exciting because this means I get to have a cute phone.

I mean really, haven't you looked at ebay every so often scouring the rotary phones just wishing you had an excuse to have one? (If not, shame on you. Mend your ways and look here and enjoy!) But due to practicalities I've never had one, never needed one. But now I need one. And have bid on two (one for main part of apartment, one for bedroom). One is teal, the other yellow, both adorable. The other thing I've discovered which makes this fabulous is Gustave's forwarding capabilities. If I ask nicely, he will forward all my calls to the land line, so I don't have to worry about giving people two numbers. If I'm at home, switch it, if I'm not, switch it back!

Moving

2010-04-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I've moved. Decided being one of seven girls in one house was not so fun anymore. On to the other extreme! Now I am by myself in a one bedroom apartment. It's been less than a week and not all my stuff is moved over, so I can't really say whether I love it or not... but I love it.

The love stems from something I didn't realize was such a big part of me, a love of privacy. Being able to do things without anybody knowing. Not getting comments from people about my choice of dinner, my choice of exercise, my choice of entertainment, my choice of bedtime... you get the idea. But the freedom to do whatever I want with the only one aside from me able to comment on my life being God. And I am QUITE okay with getting His opinion. In fact, I welcome it.

But the point is, I have moved. And I love it. And I am so excited to get everything put away in it's place and have my own little home.

Sharing what I have learned.

2010-03-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

Drinking loads of water is key to weight loss.

Power of the Spirit

2010-03-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

I've been terrible lately. For the past three months. I haven't been going to bed on time, getting up on time, or reading either time. Maybe once in a while, but the exception should be for when I don't follow the plan, not for when I do! I've been noticing that the Spirit isn't around as thick as it used to be. It bugged, but not to the point of changing my ways.

Then the home teacher came over. Felt it strong the entire time he was here. And he asked the question about faith and what I was doing, I don't remember the exact question, but I remember saying "nothing!" He was a bit shocked, then I said, well, I do go to the temple weekly, and pray constantly, but still... We had also briefly talked about when you feel yourself falling away, to catch yourself before you hit bottom. I have certainly felt that.

But just his being here, feeling the spirit so strongly over forty minutes, enough to get the desire back. So this month I am going to stick to the schedule, do everything I can. Like getting off this so I can get to work on time!

Sometimes a quote is too true.

2010-02-12T09:56:00.000-08:00

The little things of life, sweet and excellent in their place, must not be the things lived for; the highest must be sought and followed; the life of heaven must be begun here on earth.
L.M. Montgomery Anne of the Island

Virginia

2010-02-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

I have been in Virginia for the past five days. Here for about three more. I love it. I'm with my brother, his wife, and their three kids. We are having our second snow storm since I've got here.

I'm a Californian at heart. I love that I went to the beach and put my toes in the water on Christmas and New Years Eve. But there is something about being holed up in a warm house surrounded by white that just thrills me. No obligations, no work, just three little ones and a good book.

What surprises me is that there is only one person from home I miss. Usually I long to head back to my little E, but this time I don't really care. I'm just loving it here too much! I'll see about getting pictures once I get home to my own computer.

Why I love Doctor Who

2010-02-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

Dialogue in one of my all time favorite episodes, The Doctor Dances. This is at the end, and I shan't try to explain it, just know that my television selection is rather odd. Well, a little explanation, this is between an old-ish woman and a doctor. They have just been healed by the nanogenes and are now human again, and all their illnesses and past injuries are better. Doctor Constantine doesn't really understand any of what has gone on since he really does belong in 1941, and Mrs. Harcourt understands even less. (Explaining didn't help much, did it?)

M.H.: Doctor Constantine!
D.C.: Mrs. Harcourt, how much better you are looking.
M.H.: My legs grown back. When I came to the hospital, I had one leg!
D.C.: Well, there is a war going on, is it possible you miscounted?

Blog Stalking

2010-01-26T10:24:00.000-08:00

Is it bad that I am such a blog stalker? I neglect my own blog, but find such joy in watching the lives of those I haven't seen since the mission.

In my defense, I have no life. Currently I have found the joys of 30 Rock, and have been obsessed with it. Love Kenneth, but would marry a Pete.

Why exactly am I awake?

2010-01-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

Granted, I was in bed by 10:30 and out twenty minutes later, but I still don't see why I shouldn't be able to sleep in on a saturday morning. This is simply ridiculous. Perhaps if I stay awake for thirty minutes, I could go back to bed and my body will just think it a nap and sleep more? I will try.

Capture the flag

2010-01-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

We spent New Year's Eve in Capitola this year. A group of friends went down to the beach around 8:30ish. I hung out with them for a bit, but then had to get back at 9:30 for bedtime. They were about to start a game of capture the flag.  I was a little sad I had a bedtime, because I LOVE that game. But even had I been able to stay and play, I'm not sure anything could beat the fun I had at a young men/young womans activity years ago.

You see, they divided us based on our last names. Ashley Waalkes and I were on the same team. We got sick of the game, and ended up just talking.  We got a little mischeivous though, I don't know who's idea it was, but we ended up walking right into enemy territory. As we did, one person noticed us and said "hey, aren't you on the other team?" But since we weren't running or anything he was confused and not so certain. Well, I just looked at him and said "no, of course not!" Him "good, we are going for the flag right now, could you distract people over on the left?" So we mosy on over, and tell our team that they are going to break for it on the right. The other team was creamed.

As they were running into our entire team, we returned to our stroll up enemy territory to their flag.  Most of their team was so distracted, (and I think we may have told someone on their team that we would gaurd it, I can't remember that part,) but it was clear regardless. We just picked it up, and started slowly back. Once we got clear of any of their team members who were heavy on the other side of the beach, we ran for it and got to our side.

None of our team even knew we had plotted anything, so it came as a bit of a shock when we said "um, we have their flag." And we did.

Happy New Year.

I had some dreams.

2009-12-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

Kind of strange dreams. One of them I had traveled to the past somehow, and I was in a place with a dictator. There was another guy who had his forces and they were about to start some guerrilla warfare and take over the country. In my dream I knew that he would turn out to be a dictator as well, but the people liked him better right now. Kind of like Castro, but it wasn't him. Of course there are details along the lines of hiding in garbage to avoid gunfire, future dictator being polite to me in order to get a game of Set, American Olympic swimmers diving into the ocean from a huge boat, snipers checking their range... Good stuff.

The other one was less active, and had a picture of a woman with the plastic thing from a six pack on her head as an accessory. Didn't look good, I don't recommend it. And a bicycle with a broken rim.

What on earth brought on these dreams?! Of course, I loved them, but still. Dictator government overthrow? And the best night's sleep in a LONG time.

Cupid.

2009-12-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

I have been on vacation now for a week. Several books have accompanied me here. Have I read any of them? No. What have I been doing? Do you know hulu? Oh goodness. I am sold on Cupid. It is AMAZING!!! If you haven't watched it yet, do so. NOW. I absolutely adore it.

That is all.

Today's health lesson

2009-12-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

When I crave sugar (which is ALL the time) I need more protein and healthy fats.

Brought to you by Eleni Wilding.

I know how they feel.

2009-11-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

Love it.

Political thoughts of another.

2009-11-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

My cousin's post. Though I'm slightly different. I happilly side with the liberals, though I do not always agree with them or vote in such a way as to support liberalism, I just like how it feels more.

Apparently my cooking skills have been showing.

2009-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

Friday night I had the Elders, my friend Jocelyn, Sarah Nathan and M, and E over for dinner. I made a chicken dish (still can't remember what it's called) that is EASY but I love it. And it turned out well. (Jocelyn brought a yummy salad.)

Sunday I had a little over 20 on campus students to my house for dinner. I made Grandma Flo's vegetarian lasagna, the raspberry jello with banana and raspberries and nuts in it, and that cranberry thing with banana and oranges in it. I made two pans of lasagna, but I should have done four. There was enough, but they loved it.

Then the best of all, Monday. I watched M and E while Sarah went somewhere. Sarah had given M food just before she left, but then E got hungry. She asked for "a yummy kind of sandwich in her tummy" so I made her a peanut butter and jelly. That's a yummy kind, right? Well. It wasn't a half sandwich, it was a full one, quartered. She ate one and a half sections, and M decided he wasn't full from whatever Sarah had made him. He ate the other two sections. Then either last night or this morning he was telling Sarah about the sandwich. She asked if he wanted her to make one because he was saying it was real yummy. He said no, he only likes it when Rachel makes it.

Now I can consider myself a chef because M thinks I make a good sandwich!!

SO CUTE!!!

2009-11-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

I have a lot more time on my hands now. Which means I get to volunteer! I've been looking for things, and came across THIS and noticed something adorable about those two guys in the picture. Yup. I kind of love those two (even though I don't know them in particular).

Swift kick in the rump.

2009-10-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

This and then the follow-up this were the swift kick in the rump I need. Plus a picture I saw that a friend took this weekend. Not happy times. Goals are now being made, goals for achieving ability to do certain things by certain times, which will help me feel invigorated and lively and able to get to my end goal. I'm excited.

Another video

2009-10-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

People sometimes give me curious looks when I get excited about silly things. Now I can just be confident that I am appreciating things that they completely ignore, thus missing out on the miracles that so many things around us are!

The fabulousness of mustaches.

2009-10-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered if you should grow a mustache or just apply a fake one?

Mission Mommyhood

2009-10-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE!! To purchase some jewelry that will help a woman get pregnant!! Um, sounds weird when I put it like that, but like I care. Read it and it will make sense to you.

Oh apple, how do I love thee?

2009-10-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

There is a slight chance that discovering the bountious blessings of iTunes U has made me giddy. Have you been giddy lately? If not, go check it out. You too, may enjoy the fabulousness of academic superbness from your own home (which means you get to listen to lectures at universities across the country while at home wearing your pajamas).

REALLY?!?!

2009-09-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend the other day, mentioning that I would be a bit scared to start having kids as soon as I got married. Wondering why I would be scared I realized that I'm scared because I'm not sure what kind of mother I'd be! HA! Um, kind of know. Granted, not with a newborn, but still, my mothering techniques have been in practice for two years now, I'm good to go. No more fear. Well, not really good to go, I still need a husband and all that, but really now, details.

Birthday

2009-09-17T18:37:00.001-07:00

What would be your suggestion for how I should spend a birthday? (not extravigant "if I had a million dollars" but realistic "Rachel is dirt poor and stuck in Bay Area" type birthday.)

Nnel's post

2009-09-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

I am getting off Myspace. But that means also deleting Nnel's profile. Thing is, she posted this after she died (talented little pup!). First of all, the name I gave her on the profile was "Ashy Puppy" clever huh? Anyway, I wanted to preserve this post. So here it is!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

From the other side.
Current mood:Angelic.

Well, I am dead now. My spirit no longer dwells within my body. The flesh was inanimate and now it is ash. I will be moving with my mommy in less than a week to California. There my remains shall rest aside Jethro. Only good thing about it is that Charlie won't be able to pester me all the time, although it would be fun to play with her a little bit. At least she will be able to see me. Often mommy cries herself to sleep, I think it is because she misses me. What she doesn't realize is that I am still with her. She just can't feel my weight against her, cause I don't weigh much as a spirit.

See you all soon! (my time frame, not yours, unless you are really old or maybe sick, in which case make sure everything is in order, you never know when you will go!)

MOM!!!

2009-09-15T19:35:00.001-07:00

The poll on the right, IT'S FOR YOU!!!!

(the poll is gone now. Served it's purpose of pointing out how easy it is to put polls on here. But now I like the idea of polls. I'll have to come up with something else...)

Whining.

2009-09-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so tired, for so long, you could just weep? I'm not talking mother of three tired, because that is legitimate, understandable tired. I'm talking no reason whatsoever tired. At least, nothing external.

And on that note, I am going back to bed.

scratching the surface of a delighted mind

Vulnerability. It is good.

What do normal people eat?

Relating to dogs...

This was a blessed occurrence.

Perfect Thanksgiving.

Vacation

Bad customer service. Bad.

Trying to be fearless.

New kids, same old life.

Counsel of the Prophet.

Progress

Change is good, sort of.

Qualities from blessings.

Just read an OLD email.

Update

The worst part

She wanted to go to the beach. How could I say no?

White hair.

New motivation

Raddled mind

Amazing quotes

Gratitude

The only way I will exercise.

I need to start measuring.

Feelings

midnight(ish) snack

birthday goal

Constantly crushing on the bad guys.

Adult

My little goose.

About the neighbors...

Church

Friends for breakfast

Lesson from Pres. Eyring.

Homesick

p90x anyone?

Photos finally developed, and they made me cry!

Facebook fun.

Came across this on Facebook as I was looking for something. I love my sister and me.Rachel PackardMy sister just denied my call, then gasped in horror that she did so.

Four and a half weeks!!!

Quote of the day.

Evidence of a surreal day ahead.

Men Vs. Women

Moods

Bob Harper

Conversation with my niece

Funny line

Knives

Confession

Another quote

Quote of the day.

Papa Johns.

Gambling

Help me!!

Just to break the ice...

Luggage

Biggest Loser

Have I mentioned recently

Loving life

Cookies. AMAZING cookies.

Utah? What?!

Calories

Sometimes I feel quite proud...

lessons from the Pres.

Change is in the air...

Love

This morning

Time out

Birthday?

Jillian is genius!

Reason for a landline.

Books anyone?

Train

Really? This is what I do with my time?

Tomorrow cannot come too soon

Moving

Sharing what I have learned.

Power of the Spirit

Sometimes a quote is too true.

Came across this on Facebook as I was looking for something. I love my sister and me.

Rachel Packard
My sister just denied my call, then gasped in horror that she did so.