Trying to be fearless.

(Holy crap this thing is long! Sorry about that.)

Often I keep my plans to myself. It is much safer that way. But I feel like sharing, and I already have a blog, so may as well share here. Thing is, I want to lose more weight. I'm currently at about 36% body fat. Which doesn't please me. Granted, that is down from 43% a year ago, so moving in a good direction.

I was checking out a certain fitness website, but their exercises were all very muscle specific, while I prefer things that work the whole body. And once I find where I put a workout book I have with fabulous things, I'll start working out tonight. In the meantime, I plan to do weights three days a week, and cardio at least twice a week, if not more.

A goal that I will be reporting on is to do 200 push-ups. I can rather easily do 100, (4 sets of 15 and 1 of 10, with 10 second breaks in between,) but want to build up. I also want to be able to run, and not for less than a minute. About a month ago I was actually able to run a complete mile, (huge for me since that hasn't occurred since early to mid 90's,) but then I stopped going to the gym for various reasons. Eventually I'd like to be able to run, oh, I don't know, 10 miles? I don't really want to do a marathon, that just seems like far too much training for something I simply don't care very much about. So I'll stick with 10.

Now to get personal and share the motivation. Many years ago (when I was 6) a 13 year old boy was quite mean to me. While I repressed the memory until I was 29, I subconciously had a deep fear of men and never felt safe around them. I was wrongfully diagnosed with ADD when I was 8, when in reality what they were seeing was my reaction to being around a bunch of guys in my classroom and going into fight or flight mode. Constantly looking around to check where the nearest exit was and ensuring no male walking around was getting too close.

When I was in high school I was again wrongfully diagnosed. This time with Bi-Polar. I had all the symptoms, so it was a very understandable mistake. But instead of the cause being a chemical imbalance in my brain, the root of the problem was actually emotional baggage I was carrying around for 11 years but hadn't dealt with. The depression was simply feeling as though nobody cared about me (easy to feel after abuse). The death wish (not to be confused with suicide, even in my darkest times that lasted 3 years before diagnosis I never wanted to kill myself, worst I got was asking God to let me go crazy enough that I could kill myself and not be accountable for it) was wanting to be somewhere safe, specifically to be with God again. The hypo-mania was when I got scared, going into fight or flight mode (consistently trying to fly in my case) combined with the emotional maturity of the 6 year old I had suppressed would come out and take over until I felt safe again. Emotional maturity? I take care of a 6 year old now, they aren't mature.

As I grew even older I was of course attracted to men, but often felt as though I couldn't breath deeply enough until I was away from them. For a few years after my mission I was inactive from my church because I was simply too scared to go. Often I would get dressed, drive to the building, park, walk toward the entrance, have fear grip my heart, turn around, get home as fast as I could, put on pj's, jump in bed to snuggle with my mutt. At the same time I was reading my scriptures almost every day, watching KBYU a ton (LOVE those discussions on ancient scripture!), and consistently doing my visiting teaching. Not a testimony problem, just what I assumed was an unexplainable fear.

When I moved to California again just a few months before my 26th birthday I almost panicked and turned around to go home while on my way to the Stanford 1st ward. Out loud in my car I said "Christ, you had better come with me. We will have an adventure!" Imagining Him in the passenger seat then in the pew next to me, I gained the courage to go to church. What a blessing those Stanford wards have been! Granted, I cried every sacrament meeting for three months when I started to attend, but that was because Nnel had just died. That is another story. While I was able to attend church, I wasn't able to lose weight. In fact, I quickly gained. Went up to a size 12-14 and no matter what I did, couldn't lose it. I would watch what I ate, gain a few pounds, so I'd quite after a month. Then I'd try combining that with exercise, gain a cup size. Ugh! Hated it.

Now I understand the principle of fasting so much more. No, I don't mean that I starved myself, but that our spirit truly is capable of overriding our physical body. According to science losing weight should be simple (not effortless, merely simple to understand), calories in fewer than calories out. But if your spirit is freaking out, and feels that if you are attractive then you will be hurt again, it is fully capable of retaining fat that scientifically should be melting away. That was the negative power of my spirit.

I think I've mentioned this before, but oh well. Last spring at 29.5 I started meeting with a therapist. She helped me uncover some of my memories, which led me to take the resulting emotions to my Saviour and ask for the atonement to heal me. There were quite a few things (too many to list) that prepared me to be ready to heal. It has been such a blessing, and I have been LOVING my new sense of confidence, my lack of fear, and my bodies ability to lose weight!!!!! No protection needed anymore, so long as I follow the spirit, I don't need to be afraid of men. How wonderful is that?! At times I still get shocked when I am able to talk with a male without feeling like I'm being strangled. Best, and strangest feeling ever.

So that is why I feel like I want to get in shape. Because now my spirit won't stop me. And I am only about 5 pounds away from what I was before my mission.

Once again, that God has a plan for us that we may not understand, but can have faith enough to trust in Him. I love that we have this time on earth for our bodies and spirits to become aligned. I love that we can have a very real and personal relationship with our Saviour as we traverse this chaotic mess of a life. I love that the Holy Ghost can be our companion constantly nudging us in the right direction which we so often lose sight of. Ah, I just love everything good.