A while back (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) I realized that I hadn't been allowing myself to feel any negative emotions since I was a kid. That translated to not being able to really feel the good either. Since then I have been trying to allow myself to not hide from what I feel. It's been hard. Breaking over twenty years of habit is not an easy task.
For the first couple months it actually worked pretty well. Then again, nothing major had happened. Now however, I'm struggling to achieve something and getting pretty frustrated as I keep hitting brick walls. I hadn't recognized that I was hiding my emotions again until last night. While thinking about it and praying for help I noticed that I was rather apathetic about it. Not really wanting the change, but knowing I should want it. No deep desire going on.
Then today watching Biggest Loser I've cried a couple times because the contestants and the trainers are so inspiring to me. Yet it was still an outward thing. Happy and hopeful for them, but it didn't translate to a passion or drive for my own plans.
Funny though, often we compartmentalize our experiences, but they are not separate. They all work together to shape our lives. If I want to start having the habits and characteristics I'm working for, I'll have to figure out how to connect with my emotions again instead of burying them so deep I'm unaware of even having them. I mean really, even the Vulcans acknowledge they have deep feelings!
What has really hit ME lately is that I, and I alone, am in total control of my goals. How funny that we often blame circumstances and/or other people for not reaching our goals while in reality WE are the ones in charge. I figure that's the natural man thinking, right?
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