Moods

As you likely know, I've got bipolar. Mine is not a particularly mild case, though it appears that way to many. In reality I was somehow given the ability to control my swings more than the average sufferer. But sometimes swings still sneak up on me. Oh well.

Today is one such mood. All the signs were there. I had been going to bed quite too late. Last night I was hoping to be in bed by 1am (still super late for me, but better than the preceding nights). This did not occur. Sure, I was in bed, but I was certainly not attempting to sleep. I was browsing the internet, looking for who knows what. But I felt like I was searching for something. This morning when I awoke in time to get ready and go to church, I had that feeling that is all too familiar.  That little "I don't want to be productive, I don't want to emerge from this bed." I didn't. (At least until 2:30 in the afternoon.)

Once I finally awoke I was thinking about why I do this. Why I allow myself to regress and succumb to little bouts of depression. I flirted with wondering how on earth I can be productive as a human being while having this flaw. Also contemplated, only for a moment, going back on medication (only to remember that I actually fell into these moods far more often while medicated than when not. I used drugs as a crutch and never did anything myself about it, whereas now I am almost constantly taking care of problems before they arise).

Then I moved on to a very focused thought. Why did I stay up so late searching for some unknown on the internet, and what was that unknown? I realized I was hoping for some website to magically tell me what my future holds. Right, because that site exists. Sure there are things that promise "if you do abc, then you will get these wonderful results!" But for ever individual? And how would those things play out in my own personal life with my unique set of circumstances? After chuckling at myself for my wishful and delusional search, I remembered that there is something I have that tells me my future.

Patriarchal blessing. Plus all other blessings which I have notes on. Personal revelation which I have LOTS of records of. In a broader sense general conference and the prophets words. With that thought in mind, I am going to go read some blessings and get ready for the day.